Monday, August 15, 2011

Emotional Days

Today is one of those days. I'm emotional. Every little bit I cry. I've tried to be the rock. I'm trying to stay strong for my mom. But today it feels like reality has hit me like a ton of bricks. This week is it. Friday my mom goes in for surgery to have her breasts removed. My heart aches for her. I wish we could turn the clock backwards and live in a place where the word cancer wasn't part of our daily vocabulary.

To compound it, I had to use all of my time off work when Nick had both knees replaced earlier this year. It is absolutely killing me inside that on Thursday, as my mom goes to the plastic surgeon to have him mark up her body and then to MD Anderson for the lymph node biopsy followed by a visit to the breast surgeon to have guide wires placed in her breasts. . .I won't be there. Friday morning, as she waits at the hospital for surgery, with all the anxiety that will go along with that wait, I won't be there. Never in a million years would I have ever predicted that my mother would go through such a life changing event without me at her side. I will be there when she is out of surgery but I am struggling with the thought that I'm letting my family down.

I know she says all will be fine, she understands, but it doesn't change the fact that I haven't been to her doctor appointments with her, I'm not going to be there with her as she goes through all of this. . .it's like I'm the absentee daughter - and I HATE IT. I'm a caregiver by nature. When someone is sick - I'm there. When I'm needed - I'm there. The idea of not being there goes against every fiber in my being and it makes my heart hurt.

So today has been one of those really rough days. I know the first response of comfort everyone wants to give is, "everything will be ok." I appreciate that people want to reach out and give comfort, but sometimes we have to let out the emotion. Sometimes we have to cry. Right now, I'm sad. It doesn't mean I'm not positive about the future. I'm sad for today. I'm sad that my mom is going through this. I'm sad that she is losing her breasts, will be in pain, will undergo uncomfortable treatments. I'm sad that she is going to be sick. I'm sad that life as we know it is changing and will be this new kind of "different" for quite a while.

I'm just sad. There is a grieving process that takes place - a grieving of the life we all once knew. I have to go through it, I have to release this emotion. No matter how much push there is to stay positive - it mustn't stifle the process of releasing the emotions that go along with the Big C.

So this week I'm keeping the tissues handy.

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