We knew the journey would become more difficult before it got easier. But no matter how much you prepare yourself for it, you are never prepared.
Last week my mom lost her hair. It was a hard night. I knew the call was coming but we put it off as long as we could. She called and said she had lost a fairly large patch and it was time. I went over and helped by removing all my mom's hair by simply running my fingers through it. Hair came out by the handful. It was upsetting but I kept my poker face on and we kept moving forward. I know this was an extremely emotional thing for her. Words simply cannot express the sadness in this experience.
Friday it was chemo day again. By Friday night she was sick. It hit her so much harder this time. We have been battling nausea and vomiting for days. We have new drugs to help but with new drugs come new side effects. Some make her so sleepy, making her nights so much more restless. Some give her massive headaches. Some make her groggy and drunk feeling. Some give her strange dreams. None truly make her feel that much better. Only time will do that.
I can't even begin to tell you how hard it is to watch someone go through this and not be able to really help them. Sure, we all do what we can. My dad takes her to all her appointments, sits with her as she has chemo, helps her during the nights, making sure she doesn't miss doses of medications. My brother cooks dinners and keeps up with a lot of the laundry and cleaning. I keep her medications in order, make sure they are on a workable schedule, put individual doses in bags with days and times she needs to take them so we have a fighting chance of staying ahead of the pain and nausea. I watch movies with her, take her out for drives in the car when she's going stir crazy but only time will truly make this go away.
The last few days have been rough. She is sick and there is absolutely nothing we can do to take that sickness away.
Tonight, I feel sad. I want things to be normal again. Cancer changes EVERYTHING. Life is no longer the same and while I know this is temporary and we will have life again - it feels like we will never, ever experience life as we knew it. I know it's just been a rough day and tomorrow I'll wake up, go to her house and we will start the day with hope and strength again. But tonight, I'm worn down, I'm sad for my mother and I really can't wait for chemo week to be over.